


Red

by opheliamj



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Memory Loss, Past Relationship(s), Past Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 13:12:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8103784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opheliamj/pseuds/opheliamj
Summary: Bucky having to deal with constant wipes and cryo freeze, he struggles to grasp his memories his entire life. my take on Bucky during the mcu.





	

            Bucky remembers a lot but, a very small amount. He remembers his childhood, Steve and his mother. He remembers his father’s stern voice and the things he was taught by him. Grade school, and chasing girls. He can close his eyes and picture countless alleyways where he defended his friend.

            He remembers the cold sleepless nights, before and after. He clung to those early memories. Repeating his name, holding onto home and Old New York. Bumpy rides in box cars and his freezing metal arm. Learning an arm that wasn’t his. The silence and finding out how to live in darkness.

            He remembers sleeping uncomfortably with his metal arm draped over his head for protection. And black. He remembers black, he knows black. In fact black, darkness, unhinged, pure nothingness is what Bucky remembers most about life.

            Bucky remembers laying in the snow and sleepless nights, waiting for death.

            The first time he sees her she didn’t see him, and he’s glad. He knows her but he didn’t know how because they had never met. Somehow she passes him, always looking ahead, perfect posture, and unwavering glare. Nothing on her is out of place. She is poised.

            He holds his chest and ducks in a corner, gripping a brick wall. He knew her, but how? He doesn’t know anything, he’s a weapon. He holds onto the brick and watches her. He feels a memory on the edge of his fingers, but it slips away with her on the street. Bucky can only wonder.

            Bucky doesn’t remember much of anything. Not his name, or his purpose. Just codes that have been forced into him, but he knows he has memories in there. Ones he’s not allowed to keep. But there’s a vague feeling of dread he feels when he starts to remember too much, between remembering and having his brain wiped clean when they start to come back again. He sees a young friend with a black eye and a bloody nose that Bucky cleans for him. And he sees baseball, and newspapers. He sees soldiers and blood. And red, a lot of red. Sometimes he wonders if he hates red. They usually wipe him before the memories come, but once in a while her memories come to him. And he remembers why he loves red. Red hair perfect and in place as he watches her in training. Sharing her pain, being taught how to feel like a human again. Being forced apart before he can remember how it happens. Then being wiped completely never to remember again.

            The next time he sees her she’s coming after him in the road. He’s shocked and all he can do as he tries to defend himself is wonder why the beautiful girl trying to kill him? He can’t remember anything but the mission he’s on. But she keeps fighting. She has an answer for every one of his moves. All he can do is get her down so she stays down. He pulls his gun, fires so she’s hurt, but will live, and flees without looking back.

            After that he’s wiped, and wiped, and wiped again. He feels the freezing darkness for what seems like forever. When he wakes up, he is a machine.

            He doesn’t remember his young, hurt, poor friend. He doesn’t remember the war or New York. He doesn’t remember anything but codes, and guns. He doesn’t want to remember. He doesn’t want to, but he causes so much destruction when he represses the urge to remember.

He crawls from the water and lays his unconscious friend on the shore, and he remembers. He remembers too much. It’s time to leave. He hides, and hides so no one can find him. He remembers everything, and stays away so he can stop causing pain. He’s happy to live in solitude and poverty, as long as he stops causing pain. And this time he makes it. He truly starts to feel comfortable. Maybe not safe, but he feels still.

But he’s pulled out of the stillness and pushed back into chaos like always. He is pushed and pulled in every way. At first he just wants to protect his four walls of sanctuary, but as he sits in the glass cell and he hears this series of words, he knows he’s going to have to fight for much more.

When he wakes up his metal arm is in a vice grip, and he knows he can’t deny his memories. He’s immediately interrogated by Steve and his friend until they trust him.  They free him, and he hears them talk about him in private.

Bucky holds his head in his knees and stops listening. He closes his eyes and remembers being shut off. He remembers fighting, and the sweat and bullets. As the pictures flash in his mind, he feels a cold shudder over him when he remembers Natasha remembering him. She does remember him.

He stays focused and helps his friend. He tries to pay his dues and help Steve’s friends and everyone he can. But it’s hard, because it will never be enough. He remembers a world of only Captain America but now he sees a man change from an ant to a giant. He will never feel right with this.

As Bucky and Steve fight his friends, and make it to the plane, he sees Natasha. She talks to Steve, and her eyes are on Steve, but she’s looking at Bucky. He’s almost as shocked as he was a second ago when he saw the giant man. He can’t believe she could ever defend him especially because she knows what he’s capable of, and somehow he’s ashamed again. But as he follows Cap to the plane he feels his arm being pulled back as he sees Steve rush ahead of him. He turns to her. His eyes wild, concerned, confused.

“Barnes.” Is all she says and with a coy smile she shoves a key in his hand. He feels her fingers on his palm only for a second. “Romanov” on the key chain and he looks at her shocked. “It’s for my locker, you need weapons. Just go.”

She pushes him, and he runs off, heat in his chest. Looking back as he gets in the plane, he sees her watching him too. He doesn’t want to look away but he has to. They fly way with the others on their tail. And even now he knows what might happen. If he dies, or fails, if he’s arrested, or falls back asleep for a while, he will never be wiped again. He will never allow himself to forget her ever again. After what she’s done for him now, and since they’ve met, he can never forget her.


End file.
